My blogs are usually a combination of running blogs and self help blogs. My running is therapy most of the time and I deal with a lot of insecurity issues among other things. I would like to say I do not need the approval of others but I do. I think a lot of us need the approval of others at some point and time. Some of us really need it to the point it becomes an addiction. It becomes an anxiety so big that it really ruins our day to day lives. I deal with this almost on a daily basis. Some people know this about me, some don’t. I don’t mind sharing my feelings with others because maybe I can help them and help myself work out this anxiousness I feel.
Some days are fine. I get up, I go to work, most days I go for a run, I come home and shower, eat and go to bed. Normal day to day stuff. No biggie. Then some days I stress. I stress over nothing really. Did I do the right thing today? Did I make the right choice, say the right thing? Did I agree to attend an invite because I really wanted to go, or because I would feel left out if I didn’t go? Or maybe I said yes because I didn’t want someone mad at me. Or worse, what about the invites that didn’t come? What did I do to not get invited? This can go on and on and on. And believe it or not, my insecurities have improved some.
I don’t blame anyone for how I feel. It is how I perceive things. No one has time to feel a certain way about what I did or didn’t do. More times than not, people have no clue how I really feel. It is my insecurities. And boy do I have a lot of them! I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just need people to understand the way my brain works and that I am always a work in progress. I am addicted to the approval of others. Guess it is better than some addictions, but an addiction it is. And this addiction keeps me from being me. It keeps me from being happy. I realize this. I am working on this. I think I will always care what people think of me. I don’t expect that to ever go away completely. I just want it to not rule my life and my way of thinking.
I know I am in charge of how I feel. I cannot grow if I hold on to these insecurities. I cannot move forward in life if I am always afraid of doing or saying something wrong. I am trying to be more positive. I am trying to grow. I need to be me and not be afraid. Anxiety effects so many areas of our lives. It is that voice that never shuts up. Never lets you completely relax and enjoy the moment. It is constantly reminding you of what the next day or next hour may bring. And it is real. Do not ever let anyone make you think that anxiety is not a real thing.
We all deal with our issues in our own ways. I know I need God. No I am not about to go on a religious rant. But I personally cannot get through life without Him. Without Him I cannot work through this. I need my family, my daughter and my parents. And they are always there no matter what. And for that I am blessed. I need my few close friends that know my insecurities and love me just the same. The few that will listen to me when life has me torn down. They don’t judge, they help lift me up. And I need running. Yes, I do need it. Some will never understand and some will always roll their eyes. But it is my therapy. Even when some days I really question why I do it.
We all have things that help us get through the day to day struggles we all deal with. But at the end of the day all we really have is ourselves. When we close our eyes and our mind starts going 100 mph. It is then that we have to learn how to deal. How to shut down our demons and truly believe in ourselves and love ourselves. How to really be happy and thankful. It looks good on paper, but it is hard. Trust me, I know.
So here is to all the many people out there just like me. Bless your hearts! But we are not alone. Life is meant to be lived. Not dreaded. So try with all that you have to take those tiny baby steps to live a happier life. Don’t focus so much on what others may or may not think to the point it makes you sick. Focus on what you do have. And start living your life!